Plan 9 from Outerspace, by Andy

Seriously????? Is there anything good about Plan 9 From Outerspace (other than its mercifully short 78 minutes)? Is it not the model every film should follow on what NOT to do in a film? Seriously...bad plot, acting, production values, special effects, audio, and did I mention acting and plot? Did anyone associated with that movie have the cognitive dissonance necessary to allow them to think what they had created was worth showing to the public?

I can see why it's a cult-classic for comically bad movies. It really must be the worst movie ever made. And that said, I'm not going to dignify the movie's badness by discussing it any further.

Wow.....wow. I'm shaking my head just thinking about it. It has, for me, become the movie by which I will judge all other movies (which I'm sure will then make me an optimist).

by Andy

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man by Andy

I didn't hate this movie, although I fully understand why Gabe chose this and next week's movie (Malibu's Most Wanted) for our current grouping. Both definitely fit the bill of being terrible. But anything is tolerable if the last movie you've watched was Plan 9 From Outerspace.

The acting in this film was sub-par, as one would expect from such notables as Don Johnson and Mickey Rourke (as well as the less-well known Baldwin, Daniel), and produced in such a time as the early '90s as an action film. Obviously all the main characters were stereotypes (although oddly juxtaposed with conflicting stereotypical characters), but again, typical of the genre.

But what a STUPID PLOT!!!!! Oh no, the bank is leaning on our buddy's bar to run him out because the land where the bar is set is now extremely valuable (set next to an international airport, and I mean NEXT to) and for some reason the bar is supposed to have some preexisting unconscionably low lease rate. Wait...I know what we should do - let's rob one of the bank's armored trucks to come up with the $2.5 million needed to save the bar! Then, after we have stolen the money, we'll pay off the bank (with it's own stolen money) and the bar will be saved!!!!! What could go wrong?

Never mind the obvious questions, like (and certainly not limited to): 1) Why does a bank own the land and it's lease? 2) How does the FAA allow any business to continue with only a chain-link fence separating the business and the runway? 3) How do the characters in the movie have the expertise to successfully rob an armored vehicle? 4) How does a CEO of a bank have the time to generate $50 million in illegal drug sales? and 5) Wouldn't it be pretty obvious that the criminal bank organization would but a "bug" in the briefcase of money you extorted for the drugs you accidentally stole thinking it was an armored vehicle full of money, and 6) was it really worth robbing the armored car where all of your buddies (including the bar owner) and the bar itself get shot to hell by the bank's thugs you pissed off by stealing from the bank?

And yes, from the foregoing questions, you pretty much know what happens during the movie.

This section of movies is getting very tedious...
by Andy

Blood Diner, by Andy

I wonder if the producers and directors knew when they were making "Blood Diner" that it was going to be terrible. I mean, at some point, somebody said, "well, the script sucks, our actors are terrible, let's try making it as terrible as we can." It's gloriously bad. And on so many levels.

The obvious stand-outs are acting and plot. Wow. What can you even say about the two?

But somehow Blood Diner succeeds in it's stereotypical genre. For some reason having ridiculous amounts of bloods, T&A, an overwhelming number of stupid people, and more blood makes this film succeed.

Obviously this film isn't for everyone. In fact, it's probably not for anyone given it's overwhelming offensive nature (on so many levels), and evidenced by the fact that it isn't available anywhere (I had to have a ripped copy sent to me in the mail just to watch it).

But wow. Perfect for our current group.
by Andy


Big thanks to Jason, et. al, for getting me a copy of the disk.

Oh, and still haven't gotten Megaladon III yet, even though it's been at the top of my list for months now.

A Gruesome Twosome

by Jason Pyles

I apologize for my two-month hiatus, but I opted to punish myself by watching "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" (2002) and "Blood Diner" (1987).

“Shark Attack 3: Megalodon”

There are low-budget films, then there's "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon." I guess it isn't the most cheaply made film I've ever seen, but it's close. Voted worst movie ever by Craig, "Shark Attack 3" is worth watching for two reasons: 1.) Its "special” effects. 2.) It has the most surprising one-liner I've ever heard in a movie. But after reading the IMDb.com trivia for the movie, some of the magic was lost since it wasn’t initially written into the script. Much like the improvised "You're gonna need a bigger boat" line from "Jaws," this vulgarity was an impromptu joke that John Barrowman said in an attempt to make Jenny McShane laugh, and apparently it stuck.

Otherwise, “Shark Attack 3” is reprehensible, having learned nothing from a successful shark movie like “Jaws” (1975). For instance, in “Jaws,” Spielberg held out a long time, refraining from showing his fake-looking shark; instead, he opted to ramp up the suspense, making us want to see the shark. “Shark Attack 3” builds little suspense or dread and shows us its really fake-looking shark fairly early in the movie.

But the real question is what about "Shark Attacks 1 and 2"? I mean, sequels are often bad, but with a movie this poor, we are compelled to wonder whether this wasn't like the inexplicable "Leonard Part 6" phenomenon, where there were no preceding Leonard parts. But no, there were two previous "Shark Attack" movies: "Shark Attack" (1999) was merely a TV movie, and "Shark Attack 2" was released straight to video. So if you wish to see the entire trilogy, go nuts.

“Blood Diner”

My cousin Brian recommended “Blood Diner,” a prime example of a cult movie. Released in 1987, it seems that “Blood Diner” is difficult to find nowadays, but one of my cousin’s friends ordered a copy from overseas, and we’ve been passing it around. If you’d like to see it, let me know, and I can place you in the mailing rotation. Its currently on its way to Andy in Utah.

“Blood Diner” has its diabolical charm. What I like about it is how it’s the kind of movie you’d find on USA’s late-night horror movie program hosted by “Elvira.” (Wasn’t that called “Fright Night”?) Anyway, it’s exactly that sort of film — the kind you’ll never forget. It’s the type of movie that’s unsettling, not because of the horror movie itself, but because someone was warped enough to think of such weirdness.

Sure, “Blood Diner” is meant to be a comedy, a dark-comedy horror movie. But even so, when we see “Sheetar’s” remarkable stomach — and what it can do when it’s in action — it’s the kind of imagery that makes the hairs stand up on the back of the neck of the little boy in me. How can something so ridiculous simultaneously be so disturbing?

Oh, and for those who are LDS, like me, if you watch closely enough, Uncle Anwar’s evil book that his nephews read from is actually a Doctrine and Covenants (which is not an evil book). The filmmakers were gracious enough, I suppose, to hide the cover and the book’s title at the top of the pages, but if you freeze the frame at the right moment, you can tell that it’s a D&C. How’s that for trivia?

Bad movies are difficult to find....by Andy

I know it's no shock, but bad movies are difficult to find. I've been waiting for weeks for blockbuster to send me megalodon 3, and I can't find anywhere that rents Blood Diner. Ideas people? I can't even find a used copy for a cheap price.

Dancer in the Dark & Rashomon, by Andy

I finally got around to watching these two movies. Good picks by the way.

I had no idea Dancer in the Dark would be so "dark." I'm not sure I've been so sad after a movie. I'm sure part of the reason for my intense feelings were from my job, having now defended a handful of guys charged with capital offenses. But still, when Bjork starts hyperventilating as they put the hangman's shroud over her, I nearly emulated her response. The movie left me sadder than any movie in recent memory. It obviously buoyed up my feelings against capital punishment.

Rashomon was also a very interesting film. It seemed kind of racy for 1950s but was a fascinating to look into Japanese culture. I'm not sure whose version of the story to believe...